how i will love you: my hands are shaky so i cannot carry two things at once without risking one of them dropping. i will bring your hot cocoa all the way from the kitchen to the couch before i go back to get my own. you will say, “you’re missing it” but i will watch you blindly take a sip of Nesquik’s magic blend and this to me will be more comforting than all of the explosions of the terrible action movie we’ve dedicated the past half hour to.
how i will love you: with sirens in my teeth that sob about everything. you will ask why i clench my jaw when i sleep, i will tell you that the nightmares are back and they are hunting. i have the ashes of burned forest coursing through my bloodstream. there are days where you will kiss me and you will taste nothing but screams.
how i will love you: i will read aloud your horoscope before mentioning mine. i will only tell you the dreams where you are the main character or if imaginary you and i made out a lot and bought ice cream. i will make you sandwiches, but only if you ask nicely. i will offer you my coat even though it would never fit you and i’m only wearing one layer underneath. i will worry about you, because i worry about everything.
how i will love you: you will not hear from me on the worst nights, because sadness makes my words go silent. you will have to hunt for the evidence that i’m ready to die in fractured unsure sentences that are entirely devoid of light. you will know me for my tidal waves: that i pull back into my ocean entirely before i spill over and ruin everything. i cannot commit you to being my anchor. i will hide from you and think that this is how i save you.
how i will love you: one day i will tell you about where the scars are from and we will count them. there will be a lot more than you can see because not all of my scars are on the outside of me. and if after this you can still kiss me in all honesty, i will tie together universes to bring you whatever you want or need.
how i will love you: my hands will shake and sometimes i will come apart at the seams. you will probably occasionally wonder if the world will end before i stop talking. i will steal all of your comfy clothing. i will try to adopt more plants than you feel comfortable owning. i will occasionally demand silence while i pick a corner and read. i cannot promise i will be perfect or even close to the person that you need. i can only say that when i’m having cake, i will save you the last piece.”
My mother warned me about cigarettes that could cause cancer
But she never told me that self-hatred can grow faster than any tumour ever could
My father warned me that I should never stop thinking
But he never told me that overthinking would kill my happiness
My sister warned me about other people who might make hurtful comments about me
But she never told me that instead of hearing someone else’s voice, I’d hear my own
My brother warned me about drugs in baggies sold on the street,
But he never told me about the ones that people put in your glass when you’re not looking
My grandmother warned me about the devil with his tail and red horns
But she never told me about his angelic smile and dark, ocean blue eyes
My grandfather warned me about booze that could kill
But he never told me that if you drink enough alcohol, it tastes like love
My cousin warned me that I should love my virginity to a guy I love
But she never told me he should love me, too
My aunt warned me that if I kept eating that much, I might vomit
But she never told me that even without eating anything, you can hang over the toilet and puke
My baby sitter warned me that a boy could break my heart
But she never told me that if I made him mad, he’d also break my arm and nose
My teacher warned me about dangerous men with knives that could cut my throat
But she never told me that I didn’t need these men to cut my skin
They all warned me that I shouldn’t do dangerous things that could kill me
But I never had the chance to ask them if slitting both of my wrists vertically
And taking thirty-eight aspirins, was one of these dangerous things